One of the most challenging tasks I faced when I entered the rooms of AA was admitting I had a problem with alcohol. Not that I spent every day drinking or drunk, but I definitely used alcohol to change how I felt. I was painfully insecure, and alcohol relieved the inhibitions I carried around regularly. Alcohol helped me relax and be more social. It helped me fit in with my friends and peers, at least in my mind. But the truth was, it was only masking the deep trauma that was affecting every aspect of my life. I damaged multiple relationships and became alienated from family because my behavior was outrageous. I was completely selfish and self-centered, never thinking of anyone's needs but my own. It was a train wreck of a life. When I drank, it was much worse.

What initially brought me to the rooms of AA was a man I met and started dating. He was in active recovery from alcoholism and seemed to have his life together. He was stable, and not much upset him. He offered the stability and peace I had been longing for. From the beginning, he was honest about his alcoholism, the struggles he had before getting sober, and how AA had given him a life he never thought he would have. We connected quickly, so I didn't hesitate when he asked how I felt about going to dinner and an AA meeting one Saturday night. I didn't think I belonged in AA meetings, but because I wanted to spend time with him, I continued attending open meetings with him.

I spent months in AA meetings before realizing I indeed had a problem. I mistakenly believed that because I hadn't lost jobs, been arrested, or gone to jail due to alcohol, I didn't belong in AA. In my mind, I was merely a victim of circumstance, acting out because life had been cruel to me. But an alcoholic? Not a chance. It wasn't just attending meetings that led to my awakening. My social circle changed when I started going to AA. I was invited to events and gatherings with people who were working solid AA programs. I noticed these people had pretty good lives. Not that their lives were without difficulties or chaos, but they had learned tools in AA to navigate their challenges without destroying everything and everyone around them. I wanted what they had. I wanted a life where I could face whatever came my way and get through it without hurting myself or others. I wanted a peaceful life. I wanted serenity.

I asked one of my new friends if she would work the 12 steps with me. She replied that she needed to talk to her sponsor before agreeing. When she came back a few days later, she said her sponsor suggested I get my own sponsor if I wanted to work the steps. I was angry. Why did I need my own sponsor? After all, I wasn't an alcoholic. I abandoned the idea of working the steps for a few weeks. However, I continued to see that my life paled in comparison to many of the AA members I knew and interacted with regularly. It would be many months later before I was thankful my friend said she couldn't work with me. That was an act that definitely changed my life and likely saved it.

As I was still not convinced I was an alcoholic but was dating a man who was, I decided that Al-Anon was the right path for me. I began attending Al-Anon meetings regularly. I connected with a few people and eventually asked one of them to be my sponsor and work the steps with me. It was hard work. I had to be honest with myself and my sponsor, and honesty about my behavior wasn't something I routinely practiced. I clung to the mentality that I was a victim and justified it by thinking, "if you had my life, you'd act the same way I do." Thankfully, my sponsor saw through my sickness and didn't go easy on me. She asked me one day, "You really like being a victim, don't you?" It hit me like a ton of bricks. When I paused and gave it some serious thought, I realized she was correct. I played the victim card like a royal flush and used it to excuse a multitude of wrongs. I knew I had to change the belief that I was a victim. I just wasn't sure how to do it. I completed the 12 steps with my sponsor and felt generally better. My life improved, as did my relationships with friends and family. But I still felt like something wasn't quite right, although I had no idea what that was.

I continued to attend both AA and Al-Anon meetings. Although I had been abstinent from alcohol the entire time, I still thought it would be nice to have a drink. Others in Al-Anon drank occasionally, so why couldn't I? What harm could it do if I wasn't an alcoholic? Romanticizing how nice it would be to have just a drink or two plagued many of my days. However, because I was dating a man who was an alcoholic, I didn't cross the line of actually taking a drink. It wasn't until I was talking to the same AA friend who declined to work the steps with me that I pondered if I might actually have an issue with alcohol. She suggested that if my mind was still trying to find a way I could drink without consequences, it might mean that I had the mental obsession associated with alcoholism. Looking back at my drinking days, I typically didn't stop drinking until I was under the table. Once I started, I couldn't seem to stop. Regardless of how horrendous the hangovers were, I would almost always be thinking about what I could drink the next time that wouldn't get me drunk.

At her suggestion, I picked up a copy of the Big Book of AA and started reading. It described my life perfectly. I related to almost every story in the book. The mental obsession, the inability to stop after a drink or two, the swearing off alcohol after a binge, and the ultimate inability to stop drinking altogether. It was at this moment that I knew I was an alcoholic—and it was actually a relief! This, I thought, is what had been off-kilter in my life. Once I accepted that fact, I had hope for the first time in years. I saw firsthand how AA improved the lives of so many, so without hesitation this time, I embraced the program, the meetings, and the tools.

Thirteen years later, I am free from the obsession to drink. It doesn't cross my mind, even when life gets tough. It was a process that didn't happen overnight, but it did happen. As a good friend always says, I had to "pick up the shovel" and do the work. Sometimes it’s difficult, and there are days when I’m not okay. But I know that nothing, good or bad, lasts forever, and I just need to focus on doing the next right thing. There isn't a day that goes by that I am not thankful for AA and Al-Anon. They have given me the tools and awareness to live a life I never dreamed possible. I no longer see alcoholism as a weakness but rather as a condition that brought me to rooms that changed my life. These days, I'm proud to say, "I'm Elizabeth, and I'm an alcoholic."